On a more sombre note, I'm sitting here now feeling really guilty. Indi and I had a bit of a tiff this morning and I had to leave her at school when we were both still feeling peeved at each other. I hate doing that, makes me feel bad all day! I've been reassured that she's probably forgotten all about it already so that makes me feel a little better. No one ever can ever prepare you for how hard a job it is being a parent! Being entirely responsible for someones life and upbringing, and hoping like hell you dont screw them up! It would be handy to have a an instruction manual that you can refer to when times get tough, but I guess that would be taking the easy way out. However, watching re-runs of 7th Heaven on TV at the moment really puts my parenting skills to shame lol. I was kind of thrown into the deep end with the whole parent thing. Growing up I always said that the only thing I ever wanted out of life was to be a Mum. I didn't care about getting married, or having a great career, or having lots of money. I only wanted to be a Mum. I told myself that I would be a Mum at the age of 21, and amazingly enough that's exactly when it happened! Mind you it happened completely by surprise and with a man who repetitively swore black and blue that he never wanted kids. I worry that being thrown into the deep end like that at young age means I wasn't ready to become a Mum yet. I guess there are both positives and negatives about being a young Mum, and I guess in a way I have been growing up along side Indi learning together as we go along. I had amazing female role models in my life growing up. My Mum and my Nan for example are two of the most incredible women I have ever known but I worry that my mothering skills are nothing compared to theirs. And my sister, she's an incredible Mum to her two boys. I guess it just means that I owe it to Indi and myself to try harder and not screw this job up! My life may not have played out the way I wanted. I might not have the perfect relationship, I might be pushing 30 and still not have figured out what I want to be 'when I grow up', I still might be living with my Mum while I'm trying to create a life I can be proud of....but I guess at the end of the day, I did get the one thing I always wanted. I am a Mum to a beautiful, strong-willed, outgoing, funny, and loving little girl. And for that I'm eternally grateful. There is truth to the adage "be careful what you wish for". I always wished to be a Mum, I may not have been ready for it at the time but I believe everything happens for a reason. She came along to teach me about life and what's truly important and what true love really means. There is no greater love on earth than the love shared between a mother and her child.
I thought I would share a song I wrote a while back. Its very rough around the edges and needs some work, but the message is pretty clear I think.
Where To Now
She's only just beginning
to find herself again.
She was forced to become an adult
before she was truly ready,
but she accepted her life
and was ready to face the future.
Then, life dealt her a crappy hand and
she was left standing in her own pool of tears.
Daughter on her hip, suitcase in her hand,
a long and lonely road ahead.
Where to now?
Who has she become?
She needs to go back home,
back where she started from
to find herself again.
Slowly finding her feet again
only now she's walking in her own shoes
leaving her own footprints in life.
Hoping one day she'll become
the woman that she dreams to be,
and hopes her daughter will look up to her.
She believes the hardest thing in life
is to leave your mark.
One that is noticeable
and wont just fade away with time.
She knows that there is only
one person in this world
one person in this world
to whom the truth is hardest to admit.
Herself.
So where to now?
Who will she become?
She's back home where she started from
learning who she really is
and who she wants to be.
She has a new found passion for life.
Wanting to do all the things
she couldn't do before.
A freedom she doesn't know
what to do with half the time.
Willing to find out
what it is that makes her truly happy.
What makes her truly smile.
Her child who is her everything
Who makes her feel alive.
The one person who keeps
her heart from wilting away...
She knows that
life ain't easy,
as cliche as that sounds.
But she knows that she has to leave
the past behind and be ready
to face the future.
So where to now?
Who will she become?
She's back home where she started from
learning who she really is.
Ready to leave footprints in life.
So where to now?
Where to now?
I did warn you, very rough around the edges (all my songs are lol).
Ok, I think I've made you read enough of my ramblings for one morning. I'll leave you with another prose I wrote as a teen.
Enjoy your day,
Peace out
xoxo
A Beautiful Life
Life is a special gift
that is sometimes taken for granted.
We often don't realise how special it is,
until it's too late.
We are only given one chance
to live the best life we can.
We should take pride in what we were given.
Life is beautiful.
Every living being is a part of life,
therefore,
everyone
is
beautiful.
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