First, just a quick question.....Have you ever dropped a whole roll of loo paper into the loo? .... Why you ask?....Just wondering....Wanna shake hands now?
Ok, just picked Indi up from school, the babysitter (aka TV) is looking after her so I thought I would add a little more about what makes me, me. The cliff-notes version:
Basically I was born in Melbourne but my memories start from where grew up in a small country town called Killarney. Best place to grow up! Moved to Hervey Bay (with the family of course) when I was 13 and we lived there for about 6mths before moving to Toowomba. Bla, bla, bla.,...normal teenage dramas, boy dramas etc etc...Finished yr 12, started working at the old skating rink in the office where I met my daughter's dad, lets call him Mr X. Me being a young, naive 17 yo, him being an older, not so naive 27 year old...yeah, that was destined to work! We moved to Brisbane when I was about 19, I fell pregnant when I was 20 and Indi arrived in August 2003 when I was 21. Basically the relationship went bad (very bad). He turned out to be a completely different person to the one I thought I knew. He turned out to be very manipulative, aggressive, controlling, and a thief. Not only did he steal my heart (and break it), he stole my self-esteem, my self-respect and 6 years of my life. Cue adage: Love is blind! This is a poem I wrote a little while after I left him; the PG version of what happened. I've never actually shown this to anyone yet, aren't you lucky!
Untitled
I gave my heart and soul to you,
my body and my life.
I gave my love and had my hopes
to one day be your wife.
We shared a life, a bond, a child;
our dreams were coming true.
I could see us growing old together
my happiness was you.
Fate had other plans for us.
You felt that you could stray.
You tore my heart and soul apart
and easily walked away.
But I'm a stronger person for it,
my broken heart will heal.
Maybe one day fate will gift me
with a love that's truly real...
While I'm tragically baring my soul here, I'll add another poem I wrote after the break up....
Separation Anxiety
Grieving for a love
now faded, broken, hopeless.
Mourning for those arms to hold you,
that kiss to seduce you.
The special way that only he could make you feel.
A heart that feels so heavy, dying.
A soul that may never be the same again.
A lover's tragedy.
A union of hearts now beating separately.
A feeling of numbness, emptiness, loneliness.
A broken heart that will now always be cautious.
The darkness envelopes me,
right now there is no light.
So.... That basically sums it up. He cheated on me, with a girl who was trying to really hard to be my friend mind you! I was clueless, that's how much trust I had in him. I found out by doing something I never usually do, I checked his phone messages. I was turning off his phone alarm and something told me to check his messages (thank god for that little voice inside my head!). I confronted him, he admitted it (no point hiding it, I caught him read handed...pardon the pun). He said he loved us both, I said no you can't. He went to work! I rang her and confronted her, said my peace and hung up. Rang my saviour aka best friend Rach. Mr X came home, I told him I was leaving and we packed our bags and left that same day. Came back 2wks later to get the rest of my things, she had already moved in! Wow, was I that forgettable? Anyways, moving on...Lots of dramas with him after that. Abusive, threatening, phone calls that had me terrified and calling the police, and even hiding out at my sisters house! Then a couple years later I started getting phone calls from him begging me to take him back, saying we should get married, promising me and Indi a life we always wanted. Seriously?! Eventually things settled down and these days we have little to no contact with him, but I think it's actually better this way, better for Indi as sad as it is. I'm sure he loves her, in his own way, but obviously not enough to want to be a part of her life. His loss! Skipping ahead, here we are now, 5yrs later. I've re-built my life, and my self-esteem (most of it anyways) and the future is looking bright for both Indi and I. Cue rainbows, sunshine and lollipops! Here is one I wrote when things were a bit better, maybe a year later. It's amazing how long it takes a shattered heart to heal isn't it? But if I've learnt anything from that experience it's that a broken heart does heal, it just leaves a scar.
Ready To Smile Again
A new found freedom,
so enchanting, so liberating.
A new journey for both mother and child.
So many choices to make.
A mended heart
that only had a scar to show the heartache of the past.
A new found identity,
a new passion for life.
A new beginning.
The sun is shining again.
Ok, enough of my tragically boring life now! If you've got this far it means I didn't bore you to death (yay!). I don't like to live in the past, and you might think I'm just airing my dirty laundry here (you may be right), but I think that knowing where a person comes from helps to better understand who they are now :)
So much for the cliff notes version hey!
Until next time, peace out
xox
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